QUESTIONS, ANSWERS AND STORIES
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 9:05AM It was last night. We took the kids out to enjoy some much needed family time out of the house. The festivities began at Fuddrucker's for dinner. The four of us had just nestled down into our seats where we patiently waited, along with growling stomachs, for our food.
We chatted and laughed along with Tanner's amusing and typical three-year-old conversation pieces. Seriously, the kid has some doosies. As the discussion turned to the interior of the restaurant and what certain pictures were of or who, I stated, "You know, Tanner, my dad loved this restaurant". I watched as his head snapped back to face me and his eyes grew wide as he questioned, "Mom, you have a dad?!"
The table grew quiet. I sat there for moment, Jail House Rock played softly in the background and Blake sat next to me sipping on her lemonade. I sat there with the situation that was glaring back at me. First, the guilt of realizing I may have not talked about my father enough in our home hit me in the stomach like a strong right hook from Mike Tyson. How could I not realize Tanner was at the age to hear stories about my dad? Have I never showed him pictures? How much time have I lost to fill their lives with legacy of my father and all that he was and still is? Second, and the worst realization by far, Tanner said "have". He said that word as if I could have pulled my Blackberry out of my bag, called him up, chatted about the day, who we are rooting for in the Superbowl and when he wanted to come over next to visit his grandkids.
Those five words lingered in the air and made my eyes burn. As I sat there, in those few seconds, wrestling with my thoughts I felt a hand softly cover mine from across the table. I looked up to see Jarett looking back at me with a look of deep sympathy for my pathetic and current state. His eyes held my pain and his hand held my heart together. I looked at him, flashed a crooked and weak smile and took a deep breath. Jarett knows I don't cry over a lot, but this conversation was different. When it comes to my dad and my kids, the tears are plentiful.
I sat there blinking, trying to regain my composure because, after all, who wants to ruin a perfectly good basket of fries with tears anyway. I heard Jarett explain to Tanner who "Grandpa Jack" was and why he wasn't with us anymore. I heard Jarett tell him that "Mom's dad died when she was little." Tanner questioned how and why and I remember hearing the words "heart" and "sick". I could see that those words were a bit heavy for Tanner. He may be three, but he understands them. He looked at me with sad eyes and with as much sympathy as he could muster up in his young heart. He understood and saw that it was hard for me. And just as soon as it had started, it was over. Just like that.
Tanner grabbed a french fry, growled at it and bit it in half. Jarett gave my hand one more squeeze and smiled at me. Blake giggled as she dipped her hot dog in Ranch and licked it off without actually eating anything. And I sat there. Realizing the depressing conversation that just occured and the heaviness I felt in my heart. The guilt still lingered...
I know, with time, Tanner will have more questions and I will have to give him some tough answers, but inbetween the two I can fill his heart and mind with wonderful stories. Wonderful stories that will color his life with a memory of a man who, although he has never met, he will adore, love and respect. I can leave him with everything that my father was and still is. So Tanner, ask your questions and I will give you answers. I will give you answers and I will give you stories.
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Reader Comments (17)
Ok, I feel funny leaving you a comment since I don't know you, but your post made me cry!!! Don't feel guilty. Feel happy that your son is old enough to hear and appreciate stories of your dad! You have many, many years to teach your kids about what a wonderful man your father was, and what he meant to you. What a blessing that is. And, you'll get to teach your son about eternal families, and teach him that he'll get to meet his Grandpa one day.
By the way, I love love love your work, which is why I started following your blog. (I saw Becky Higgin's post several months ago about you and have been a fan ever since.) Keep up the amazing work!!
my eyes and heart teared up. i, too, have a four year old who doesn't know her "Grandpa Jack" either. my dad died 3 months before our wedding, 7 years ago yesterday. this has moved and inspired me to begin the story with my own little girls... to pull out the pictures and begin weaving my dad, Jack, into the fabric of our future lives. thanks for sharing.
i feel as lucky as can be to have known your father. he was an amazing example to me and had an influence on me during my developmental years as i grew out of my childhood and into my teenage years. he is the definition of a father. hands as rough as sandpaper and a heart of gold. jarrett is a mirror image of your dad and tanner is lucky to have a dad as wonderful as yours kara.
Kara, I agree with Chris. I don't think you will ever know what an important role he played in so many of our lives as our Sunday School teacher. And there was never a doubt that he loved you guys. I remember being at girls camp Kendra's first year with Kendra and your mom. They had mosquito nets and everything else your dad could think of to make camp a little more bearable for them. He would do anything for his girls.
Seriously Kara....you are a BRILLIANT writer!!!! You just made my heart MELT! Such beautiful words and stories......in the end LOVE will ALWAYS prevail!
Luv ya girl
I think the last time I posted a comment you made me cry then too! I love reading your blog because you are such a beautiful writer and such a genuine person also. I lost my dad to cancer about 7 years ago and my little guy doesn't know his Pappy either. The ugly cry came for me when your husband laid his hand on yours in the story. Tell your stories to your children and once in awhile share them with us if you feel the need. I would love to hear more about your dad! Love your blog and thanks for sharing!
Hi Kara, this is my very first visit to your site - I found you via J*.
I can't beleive that this is the story you wrote the first day I visit your site. Like other commenters, I lost my dad. One of the most gut-wrenching moments afterwards was the realization that my children won't know my dad and he won't know them. I haven't started my family yet, but your story will certainly stay with me and I will learn from your experience. I haven't even looked at your pictures yet - but I'm already a fan.
Thank you.
Ok seriously, the first time I stumbled upon your blog and you go and make a girl cry! I couldn't have that kind of emotion from someone's words about their father and not leave a comment for you. What a sweet story, sad but precious all the same. Wonderful blog, beautiful pictures (:
I loved this story, because I have a had very similar experiences with my children. My dad died when I was 13 and they never had the chance to meet this wonderful man and father. Each time he comes up in conversation I try to share a story that I remember about him, so my kids will learn more about him.
I feel your guilt and your pain... I lost my father too, but when i was 21. Before I was married and before I had children. Once I had children I too had that same question asked to me... and the guilt sank in. It was then that I decided I needed to put more pictures of my father into frames around the house and tell more stories about their grandpa. His memory will always live on... and his stories will live on. I am sure your children will come to know more and more about their grandpa and how much he would have loved them.
Oh, how I feel your pain. I lost my dad when I was only 17. It breaks my heart to know that he never knew me as an adult, he never met my wonderful husband, and he'll never spend time with his precious granddaughter. I have his photo hanging in the hallway, and I encourage my daughter to say goodnight to pap each evening. I tell her that he is her angel. I know she's too young to understand right now, but I know that someday I will gladly tell her many stories about her pap, my dad.
I have tears in my eyes reading this...such a touching situation. It is a great reminder that we need to talk about people that aren't in our children's daily lives...stories help tie us together.
I couldn't read and not post. I had a very similar conversation with my daughter about that age. I lost my dad 20 years ago and I have the same emotional response as you. One of the things I started was celebrating my dad's birthday. It's a day that we spend looking at pictures and telling stories. It helps her remember.
Awwww My eyes got full of tears when I started reading this! I could feel your pain.. and how difficult can be to talk about it your dad, specially with Tanner. Anyway, your words described amazingly teh love you had for your dad. Always keep the great memories you have of him in your heart... that will make you smile! Love you girl!
Wow, what a post and what a resemblance your little man ans your dad have. He will know his grandpa and He will know him through you. You are so fortunate to have had such a strong relationship with your dad.
I stumbled upon your blog and I'm hooked. And this just brought me to tears. (And I don't cry often) Thank you for being brave enough to be so honest, so genuine, so raw and so authentic. Consider yourself an inspiration. And your father. Thank you for this. Thank you for speaking words that many of us would hide, hold back or just wonder if we could actually utter.
Thanks for that beautiful and prescious conversation. It touched my heart.